these hearts
by il-sole-le-stelle
Summary: and they were always broken. A series of Infernal Devices drabbles. Will x Tessa x Jem
1. just one day

**just one day: Will/Tessa/Jem**

She loved him to a fault, but it just wasn't enough. He loved her more than life itself, but he knew she loved someone else in return. For love was never straight-forward, and hearts were always broken.

It was always the same cursory glance in her direction when she walked into the dining area. He barely looked up at her once she sat down, but she left, Jem would always notice how he stared at her back even after she disappeared around the corner.

"What's wrong?" Jem asked a visibly distracted Will.

"Nothing really much." Will shrugged and returned to his meal, pushing the meat to one side and mashing the potatoes even further. "How about some demon-hunting in the evening?"

"Sounds like a great idea." Jem nodded his head, even though he did notice the abrupt change in subject. Tessa rarely hung around Will anymore after the incident with the Magister and Will, he looked at her with such an intense expression in his bright blue eyes that Jem wondered what was going on between them. Neither of them was saying anything.

Jem finally managed to get Tessa out of the Institute for a walk in Hyde Park. As they walked, side by side, along one of the less populated paths, he asked, "What's going on between you and Will? You two aren't talking, yet it seems like there are so many things unsaid between the both of you."

She was surprised by his perceptiveness. "Jem, perhaps you're reading too much into things."

"Tessa, I'm afraid not. Will's my parabatai, and I know him as well as I would know a brother. He's in so much pain and that expression he has when you're around- it feels like something is tearing him apart from the inside." He paused and watched her reaction.

She shook her head and said," No, it's not like that. He doesn't want anything to do with me, neither do I. What could possibly be wrong with him? I'm not sure if I understand."

He gave her a slight smile, "Will pushes others away all the time, to protect himself or to protect them, no one really knows. But I would prefer to think that it is the latter. He lets me in from time to time, but I don't know what he really is thinking. I don't approve of what he usually does, but I know he probably has some reason for doing so. Though it's never usually the right reason."

"Does this have to do with Cecily?"

"Cecily? I don't know who she is, but I admit none of us in the Institute knows anything about Will's past before he came to live with us in the Institute. But you see, Tessa," he said as he held her hand tentatively. "Will is a lonely soul, broken perhaps, but he's not all that bad. Maybe what he needs is someone to be there for him, to save him, to take care of him or even to drag him out of whatever pit he is digging himself into. I can't do that for as long as I'd like to, so I'm hoping you could.

All she could do was to nod mutely. She had told Will once that she wanted to understand him, to know what was going on in that head of his. But he laughed bitterly and self-depreciatingly, asking why anyone would even bother knowing such a rotten person like him.

"I'll try to get him to talk to you for just one day, if possible. And Tessa, for Will's sake, don't give up on him." Despite his feelings for Tessa, Jem knew he was willing to do everything he could for Will and Tessa. For he barely had enough time left and it was evident that both Will and Tessa had feelings for each other. As much as he wanted to fight for her, he knew Will needed someone like Tessa to be there for him, especially when he could no longer be there for his parabatai.

The next evening, Jem told Tessa that Will was in the attic and she went over to find him. He was sitting at the exact spot where she first found him after he bit De Quincey. And it was the exact moment when she had her first kiss- one that tasted like blood and holy water. She distinctly remembered the feverish heat of his skin against hers and how his wet shirt clung to him.

Without a word, she came to sit next to him, leaving a small gap between them. "Will," she called his name, "I think we need to talk."

He didn't respond, but instead continued staring in the direction of the altar. "Will, we really need to talk, just this once. And then if you want, I won't bother you anymore."

"What do you want me to say, Tess?" His voice came out hollow and slightly hoarse. Her heart skipped a beat at the sound of him calling her Tess. "I can't say anything and I don't know what to say to you."

"I just want to understand what's going on, Will." She turned to face him. "Why are you avoiding me? Why did you say what you said the last time we spoke?"

"Tess, just let me be. You don't have to bother with understanding me. There isn't a point, or maybe there is. One way or another, it doesn't matter." He ran his hand through his unruly brown hair, exasperated, yet with a tortured expression in his eyes.

"Jem's worried and you're not talking to him either."

"No one understands and no one will. I can't change anything," he murmured, barely audible.

"Will," she held on to his shoulders, turning his body to face her, "I want to help you, for your sake and for Jem's. Please let me help you."

He swallowed hard and looked into her gray eyes, those that were the colour of a cloudy day on the verge of rainfall. They reminded him of home many years ago, lost to him forever. Leaning over, he closed the gap between them and pressed his lips to hers, softly at first but grew insistent and unyielding as she returned his kiss. His hands went to the back of her neck, pulling her even closer and his fingers in her hair. There was a sense of desperation and it felt as if separation from her was imminent. It was he who pulled back first. He then looked her in the eyes and said unflinchingly, "You can't help me. No one can."

As soon as he finished his sentence, he got up and left, leaving Tessa stunned beyond words. She sat there silently until Jem came up to find her. "I saw Will coming down. Is everything alright?" She shook her head and it was then that she let her tears flow, tears that she rarely shed for Will. Jem felt his heart break a little as he held on to the sobbing figure of the girl he loved.


	2. of souls and threads and loss

**of souls and threads and loss: Will x Jem**

The day his parabatai died was the day half of his soul disappeared. They were two souls knit as one. And one without the other was tantamount to losing everything, for it was difficult to live on just being half the person you originally were.

The day his parabatai died was the day he couldn't look at her anymore. No more glances, no more touches, nothing. He knew of his parabatai's feelings towards her, his love for her. The fates of the three of them so intricately woven together, like threads tied together. If you were to pull one, the rest would unravel. And you could never tie them back the same way again.

The day his parabatai died was the day he lost himself and knew he would never find his way back.

The day his parabatai died was the day he died too.

_ave atque vale_


	3. tear my heart asunder

**asunder;**  
>Each time Will sees Tessa walking with Jem, her hand in his, his heart feels as if it is ripped apart and then put back together again for the next time he sees his parabatai with the girl he loves. But what gets him the most is the way Tessa looks at Jem. <em>It should have been me<em>, he thinks.

**protest;**  
>Will dreams of Jem and Tessa's wedding day so many times that he doesn't know what is real and what isn't anymore. But he remembers wanting to shout out his protest, <em>Tessa, don't marry Jem. I love you, and I'll always love you<em>, before Jem and Tessa take their vows. But Will is never able to do so; he refuses to deprive his parabatai of his happiness.

**words;**  
>Each kiss Jem gives Tessa conveys a message- the kiss to her temple says <em>I'm blessed to have you in my life<em>; the kiss on her cheek says _I can't imagine living but not experiencing the kind of love my parents had_; the kiss on her shoulder says _I want you and it's taking me every ounce of my self-control not to take you there and then_. But it is the kiss to her lips that means the most, _I'll love you till my last breath and I'll find you in my next life, the life after, each turn of the Wheel. No matter how, I'll find you and love you._

**surrender;**  
>Will wants to let it all go. Hope, even a little sliver of it, creates expectations that are never met. He had let himself harbour hope, the hope that Tessa would love him back, and that they could be together. But it's almost too heartwrenching to see her in the arms of another man, let alone his parabatai, the brother he's sworn to protect. Even if he could throw all these feelings away, he knows he wouldn't.<p>

**intuition;**  
>Jem is aware that Will isn't acting right. He tells himself it's the threat of the Magister- how his supply of yin fen could easily be cut off, how everyone in the Institute has no idea what the Magister's next step is and how Will is not giving up on finding the cure for his illness. Yet, Jem can't help but suspect that his parabatai is avoiding him for some other reason.<p>

**blaze;**  
>It doesn't spread like wildfire, heat coursing through her veins and ending almost as fast as it started. Instead, it starts off as a blaze, the steady increase of temperature before taking her by surprise and engulfing her entirely. That's how it is with Jem- his kisses, his touch, his bare skin against hers.<p>

**liberties;**  
>They've come close to giving in to their passions. Dangerously close. It is always Jem who regains some sort of propriety and stops them. But the temptation to just give in remains, if not stronger than it used to be.<p>

Tessa lays in his arms, her nightgown hitched up. It takes him all the self-control he can muster to throw the covers over her lower body. But she still teases him, her fingers lingering on the waistband of his pants, and she looks him in the eyes, daring him to move her hand away. He doesn't.

**madness;**  
>Jem thrashes in his bed, half conscious. Tessa places her fingers to the pulse at his neck, willing it to slow to a steady beat. Yet, she fears feeling his life ebb away. It's much too soon for that. She whispers in his ear, hoping it would provide an anchor for Jem. He is too far gone in his nightmare and delirium to know she is at his side. <em>Wo ai ni, wo bu xiang shi qu ni<em>, she tells him, her hand never leaving his.

**death;**  
>Jem tells Will, death is only the beginning. For they will meet again, two souls fated to be together on the Wheel. Will cannot stop his tears from falling. It's too painful to imagine his parabatai dying. The brother who has saved him in all ways possible, whose existence means that he was never alone.<p>

**red;**  
>The colour of the dress she is wearing when he sees her in his mind's eye. The colour of his love for her so bright that it blinds him. The colour of his parabatai's blood when Jem has his bouts of illness. The colour of passion, heartbreak, and life.<p> 


End file.
